Recently I went for a walk with a friend in a very similar situation as me. **Remember? We are not alone, ever.**
We are both in the midst of leaving our partners, albeit different stages due to different life circumstances.
Often I have heard myself say and think, "I wish he would just be awful."
On this walk my friend said, "This is going to sound really bad, but I wish he would just cheat on me."
Do all women feel guilty about wanting what they want?
If only I could blame this on something he did. If only it would be an easy decision. If only he would cheat, lie, do something stupid, turn into a raging overt narcissist overnight. If only there could be a reason better than, "I don't want this," then leaving would be okay. Why does he have to be nice, sincere, a good person?
Why does it matter that I want what I want? Why does it make me feel guilty to finally be speaking my truth? Why have I made it my responsibility to make sure everyone's feelings are accounted for (except my own)?
Why do we feel like what we want isn't enough? Why do we feel like our reason has to be bigger, better, more apparent than the next woman's reason? Why is it not okay to just stand up and say, "This is not the life that I want," and that it be enough, okay, and the only reason necessary for acting in congruence with our deepest desires?
Are you happy?
No? That's a good enough reason.
I'm not here to give advice, simply share my stories and thoughts.
My experience is that I wasn't happy, so I started doing some inner work: contemplation, meditation, journaling, subconscious reprogramming, etc. I still wasn't happy. In fact, it got worse.
I spoke my truth, in puddles of tears, a number of times. "I never wanted to get married and I didn't want to change my name but I did." "I am tired of my schedule being controlled by alcohol, so I can see one of two things: either that changes or I leave." "The reason I'm feeling like this is because I met someone who seems so much more aligned and I'm not saying I want him at all, but it's making me think about my life and where I am and what I'm doing." "I'm not your mother!" (I know, I know, I need therapy too, and I am so grateful I have someone lined up for that--plus she said yes to being a guest on the podcast so even you'll get to meet her).
When we speak our truth, we give others the opportunity to meet us in it. What is the response? Is it mature? Is it from wounding? Is it sincere? Is it angry? Is it available?
This is a big one. Are you actually being heard? Or are you being told all the reasons those aren't good reasons and you should be sorry for feeling them.
Is there an effort to hear you, understand you, communicate with you, and grow?
Babe, if you're not happy and he, she, or they aren't having it, get outside help, find support, find someone who is available to listen, hear, understand, and communicate with you.
Every single relationship you have is a reflection of the relationship you have with yourself. This doesn't mean that if you find yourself in a toxic or unhealthy relationship, you need to heal yourself more. Some things are for you to walk away from, which is a reflection of your newfound inner strength--that has always been there. After you walk away, that's when the healing begins.
Give yourself the grace to stand up for yourself, speak up for yourself, and follow your knowing. Let your desire be the only reason needed, ever, for anything. You are worthy and you are worth it.
Let me know what resonates. Leave a comment below. Be sure to sign up for the Guide to Saying "No" with Ease. Your boundaries will strengthen as you implement the tips one by one.
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